I know you from before..

I had an interview the other day with a researcher doing a study on “Significant Personal Change” in people’s lives. I talked about Concrete Jungle Berzerk! and what it was like to direct my first theatre production in my own community. It was curious to revisit that sense of bravado. Has it only been a year? Burnt Mango has done so much since then, it’s odd to think of a time when we weren’t together.



After talking for an hour and half about Berzerk, I noticed that a lot of my learning was hammered home only through my work in subsequent productions. For example, it really didn’t hit home until The Foundling how important it is for the actors to have time to digest lines. I mean, I knew this because the actors were telling me this as I was handing them version 6.2 of the script, it was only until I was actually acting again that it really hit home.
(Conclusion: I think it's really healthy for directors to act, and actors to direct... it gives a better appreciation of the process from both sides.)

On the other hand, the absence of certain core values or expectations in other productions has made me realize how -- in spite our naivety, Dan and I instinctively got some things right. For example, very early on in our devising period Dan introduced the importance of “yes, lets!” in improvising. This basically means, if someone has a proposal, we first run with it, and then we’ll all be able to see if it works or not. Since then, I've been in ensembles where we didn't establish these expectations, and when it comes to crunch time, things become very difficult. Strong ensembles do not guarantee good work -- I personally think that Berzerk! is creatively unremarkable. But one year later (and four productions in the meantime), Burnt Mango is still together, devising and supporting each other in creation.

Theatre is stressful. The burden of directing is a humongous responsibility; and Berzerk! was particulary scary because I had no other reference point at that poitn in time. Now having lived through so much fear, so much exhilaration – when I encounter the same emotions, it’s like meeting an old friend. Hello! I know you... Yeah, I know directing is tough... I know what it is like to be saturated and bright with exhaustion. I know what it’s like to have the ensemble start taking rehearsals for granted.

Curiously, the other day, I also rediscovered what it was like to fall in love again. I was watching some footage of Hallelujah that Haruka had shot for us and I was fascinated -- not only by the parts where we do the piece, but actually, the parts where we are discussing the piece. The camera has this ability to magnify details, and I was overwhelmed by the uniqueness of each person and how we express ourselves. Walter is so Walter! Josh is so Josh. Hofan is so Hofan. And when I think back on Berzerk, that’s a state that I was very much in touch with -- this overwhelming sense of beauty of my actors as individuals.


> Trailer for "Hallelujah"

Actually, throughout Berzerk!, one thing that remained constant was this sheer sense of awe of having somehow found these incredible group of individuals. And, and, and, for whatever bizarre reason, they were willing to work with me. I guess I’ve been inside so much as a performer recently, well, it’s just a different type of relationship. More doing, less observation. But again, it was fun to recognize this sensation. Hey, I know you…

Ah, theatre...

.
.