October, the in-between month

October has been a strange month; a sort of in-between aimless month. It took me a good couple of weeks for me to settle down with the new routine of teaching and rehearsals.

Tai chi wise things have been rather good. I finally feel as if I am back on the edge of my learning curve, though it really took me a while to get back on the bus.

Victor has been pushing me to work internally. So I’m doing a lot of meditative stances and qigong... which is actually precisely what I need. Currently I’m working on the “tree-hug” stance, one of the most basic stances where it is a deep wide open stance with your arms encircled. The trick is to get one’s spine straight.. I have been working on this one for ages.

Today, Victor introduced me to bat-gua (八掛), which refers to a style of martial art where one walks in a circle. It’s been something I have been wanting to learn for ages, because basically my instinct in combat is to avoid getting hit. However, I keep getting yelled at by Victor for shrinking away from the fight. “That’s the best way to get hurt. Go in, rather than shrinking away – if you shy, you give your opponent the opportunity to press forward and more room for attack. But if you move in, then he will have no room to manuveure…”

Well, if a huge fist is coming my way, my instinct is still to get out of its path. So finally, Victor is teaching me a way to “run away without running away” … oof! It’s very demanding on the thighs, but the idea is that you basically circle around your opponent and attack from behind. Very sneaky!

I have also begun assistant teaching. For some reason Victor is very big on me learning how to teach tai chi. “That’s the best way to learn – by teaching you find out what it is you don’t’ know.” So, every Friday evening I am helping him teaching two students on Victor’s rooftop. I kind of wish it wasn’t Friday… Friday tai chi is sandwiched between 3.5 hours of tutoring that afternoon and another 6 hours on Saturday, so I’d much rather be in “student-mode” and in touch with my body than “teaching mode”… but… well. In any case it’s supposed to be good for me. If anything, teaching beginners require a lot of patience… and it’s a humble reminder of how much patience my sifus must have had for me.

Here is a photo of my other sifu, Li sifu that I took. (more photos here on Facebook). My cousin, Jacky, lent me his digital SLR camera and I was practicing with it before the big day of his elder brother’s wedding – where I was the unofficial photographer. I confess that despite its weight and obtrusiveness, the difference in the quality make me very very tempted to buy a digital single lens reflex for myself.

Yes, so I was the unofficial photographer for my cousin Newton’s wedding. With ’08 being an auspicious year (the number eight sounds like “wealth”) everyone seems to be getting married. Newton’s was the third occasion this year.

The difference, of course, that this was close family, and so Homei and I were much more intimately involved. Furthermore, this is the aunt and uncle who is pretty well off, and – even amidst the financial crisis – they had the full shebang – complete with hair stylists and make-up artists in the living room for family and friends, to a mirror-occasion in Guangzhou for the bride’s extended family. It was also incredibly well-organised, classy and had really nice personal touches. The wedding took place in the park, the weather was perfect, and as weddings go, it was really well done.

This photo is of Newton signing the wedding contract. I think it’s a classic. Both Newton and Sue are accountants, and so the vicar talked about the importance of cool-headness before committing oneself to a lifelong act; and then, the importance of throwing out the math when one is in a relationship. It was a nice speech, and Newton added to it by saying, “Well, the more you do figures, the more you realize how much really can’t be properly quantified, and at the end of the day, you simply have to make a decision with whatever you have.”

* * *

Meanwhile, this has sort of been a month of non-decision. Although Burnt Mango has an ongoing production I am playing a pretty supporting role this time. Actually, a rather challenging role, in the sense that I am assistant directing to a director who is incredibly busy and whose vision I am not entirely clear about. The truth is, Adrian and I just think so differently that it is hard for me to contribute. My instinct is to sort out the space, use music, minimize the text. His instinct is to start from the text, write the script; delve into the meaning of the text. And so it’s been rather.. well, I would be more frustrated if I let myself be; and I am getting rather impatient. But I also sense that Adrian does have a idea of what he wants – it’s a matter of him being able to articulate it to all of us.

Actually, for a while it was really draining on me: being sort of stuck in a position where I didn’t have control, and yet the production was just not moving… until finally, the other day I realized that I actually had a choice. On the minibus home, I suddenly had this image that there were all these things bleeding energy out of me – things which were outside my control; and I could either let them sap my energy, or I could (and visually I imagined myself closing off the circle, so that the blood stayed in and collected itself rather than seeping out) stop it from doing so.

Since then I have felt much better; much more empowered.

* * *

Family relations have gotten better and better over the past few weeks. Two new family members joined us, Gum-gum and Ein – much to the gruff exasperation of Duck-Duck, who has graduated to alpha-male status over the two young ones. Over Chung Yeung festival (the annual holiday where people remember their ancestors and go sweep the graves) the three of them had a field day. Someone had offered a roast chicken to their ancestors and the dogs prompted gorged themselves off it. I took it away from them and ended throwing it up a tree – just to get it out of their reach.

The family also had a (somewhat impromptu) holiday, which we haven’t done for a while. We went to a half-finished theme park over the border where dad was thinking of leading a meditation camp (huge huge place.. including this great hill) but in the fall and winter they don’t allow people to camp there… so instead of staying overnight, we puddle around cable cars, had lunch, took the mini train, had afternoon tea, sat on the beach, had dinner… and went home. It was great to have the leisure to do not too much and hang out as a family… and particulary good for my parents, I think.

It was also interesting to see my father extended himself for the family. For example, the restaurant on the hilltop had freshly pressed juices, and as wanted to get a jug. I suggested grape juice, which dad was not so hot because of the high risk of pesticides. I said, “Let’s not get something like carrot that we can juice at home…” and dad gracefully acceded.

Where was it that I read.. “Love is about making exceptions” (The Fountainhead?) It’s these small moments where it’s clear that dad has principles, and that also he cares enough about having fun as a family to put those aside. (The grape juice, incidentally, was pretty crap. They just dumped all the grapes, skin, seeds and all into the juicer. We could have done that at home, too).
I also saw dad helping mum off the bus… yes… this trip has rekindled something in them too. And the good news is, this feeling seems to have carried over back into our everyday lives. For the past few days, dad has bothered to come down the stairs and give me a hug before I leave the house… small details like this that are nourishing the family.

-- from letter to Christine