Renewal

The sky is very clear today, with just a smudge of cloud on the peak of the Pat Sin Leung range. Being here, with the sea and banana green nourishes me. I can tell, because these days I often go to my aunt's/grandma's to stay over for the night (it's closer to the city center). And yet I find that when I am there for too long, or when I am at the point of making a decision of whether to go home or stay, I realise how much being here renews me. Like a source of water. Well, literally too, a visual feast of water.

I am in much need of renewal these days.

So.. I didn't get the grant, but things seem to be as busy as ever. I got invited (actually, by one of the curators) to join a dance production called Air & Breath II. Rehearsals are consuming my evenings, to the extent that tai chi is feeling the squeeze. As a result, I haven't had the time to spend with my own piece, Crow, even thought Theatre du Pif have loaned me their studio to play in while they are in Toronto. Seriously though, my schedule for July is mad. I'm teaching every day, and rehearsing tai chi every night. Sundays I have 8 hour rehearsals, and whenever I don't have class, all the miscellaneous stuff – meetings, film editing, pad out the gaps. It's becoming a test of my stamina, as well as a challenge to keep myself soft inside.

The past week has been a lot of film editing. My brother and I have been relay editing, each plugging in two, four, five hours at a stretch whenever we have time in order to get the 《笑‧像差利》 music-documentary out for the premiere on Sunday. Oof. By Sunday at 6:15pm I was dragging the computer over the hill from my aunt's to Club O. Because of the heavy external hard drive I had put it all in a carry-on suitcase, and when I dragged the case the vibrations from the concrete would travel up my arm. When one arm got numb and tingling I would swap.

Film editing is fine, but not too much. I didn't want to talk to anyone right after – but of course, I had to host the premiere (and face the music). So I did, and everyone enjoyed it. I think. I dunno. I went home and cried, and I'm not even sure what for.

Part of that exhaustion is physical. The role I have in the new piece is very yang… the director is capitalising on my explosive-bounce of the walls energy; so I have a sequence where I am sprinting around in circles, my right hand cycling while bellowing a song on the top of my voice; another where I am telling a story with typhoons while recreating one with a industrial-sized plastic bag. Teaching too, can be very yang, and my summer schedules has just ramped up from three intensives classes to five. Mind you, the past couple of classes I have been able to tap into good in-class writing alongside the students. My writing had a strong sense of place, atmosphere or character intention. It's quite magic, really, to have a class quietly scribbling away. Even the can't-sit-still students, when they see me so concentrated, they too, quieten down and put pen to paper.

I was reading a conversation with David Lynch (the movie director) in bed last night, and he talks about the importance of staying true to the original kernel of your idea. It's really important I think, to recognise the original inspiration, and then to use it as a reference point for every new idea.

I think part of the difficulty about the grant was that I was pushed to articulate the dance in words too soon, when a lot of the processing actually needed to be done with the body first. Sure, you have the poems as a starting point, but there should be a very clear first image or sensation that is the essence of this particular piece.

I did an authentic movement session with Adrian and Tuen at the end of June. A lot of things happened, but one thing I am convinced more than ever is that there is a bird in me that wants to take flight. It's made cameo appearances in my early pieces: Aftermath, Diamond Baby, and both times I've felt that there is a something here that is worth devoting more time to. What is this movement, this sensation, really about? I don't know.

So here I am. The sun has come up, and is glinting off the banana leaves below me. My left thumb hurts as I type. I managed to jam it in rehearsals.. I was going full out in childish abandon, throwing a plastic bag high up to fill it with air, and then hugging it to trap the air when it came down. Only this time I trapped my fingers as well as air. Ah well. This slight point of pain keeps me aware, very aware, that I am alive.